30 days of Thankfulness: I am supposed to be dead....

I am supposed to be dead. I am not supposed to be sitting here typing this blog post.

I was born on crisp, beautiful morning at a tiny 1 lbs and 7 ounces. My twin was 1 pound 9 ounces. I spent the first 167 days of my life in the hospital and for those who aren't so hot with math, thats the first five months of my life. But I decided it was time to bust out of there and enjoy life.

If you been around these parts for any length of time you know that I am very outspoken about my relationship with Lord and that I have cerebral palsy. For those who don't know, CP, is a disability, NOT a disease. Second, according to Mayo Clinic the definition for cerebral palsy is as follows:

Cerebral palsy is a disorder of movement, muscle tone or posture that is caused by an insult to the immature, developing brain, most often before birth.

Signs and symptoms appear during infancy or preschool years. In general, cerebral palsy causes impaired movement associated with exaggerated reflexes, floppiness or rigidity of the limbs and trunk, abnormal posture, involuntary movements, unsteadiness of walking, or some combination of these.

Me at 3 weeks old at about 1 pound 5 ounces

Because of my cerebral palsy, I did things a lot later than a lot of kids, I walked and talked later. I did not talk till I was two years old and now they cannot get me to shut up! I guess I am just making up for the first two years of not having much of a voice. I had issues with my eating and just other issues that come with having cerebral palsy. I can walk and yes I can run.

When I was three months old, I had a surgery to correct the vision in my left eye, without which I would be blind in that eye. When I was 13, I had surgery to correct my walking so that I could walk with my heels down and walk normal. Without that surgery I would still be walking around like a ballerina. Which would have been pretty for a while but often my legs would get really tired and I wouldn't be able to walk long distances because of how much pressure my walking put on my knees and on my back.

High school and middle school were hard. I struggled. Struggled with making friends and having people look at me differently because of how I walked. I struggled with understanding math and science which to this day are not my forte. But I excelled in reading and writing which is part of the reason that I blog and the reason that I am a communication major with an emphasis in ministry.

Super long hair!-- 8th grade

Coming to college was a huge transition for me and something that really took me an entire semester to adjust to. But I love it now and I cannot wait to see what the Lord does with my time that I have left here.

I would really love to work with kids with disabilities and I just want to be able to help people and  put a smile on someone's face. I love children and interacting with them and I would love to adopt children one day. These are my plans, my hopes and dreams. But I also want to make sure that my dreams and hopes line up with what God has for me.

Ultimately, I want to really honor the Lord with my life, he obviously has a plan for my life seeing as I almost died when I was born and then again when I was about a week old. I know that everyone says that God has big plans for everyone. While I believe that is true. Big plans can look different for everyone. Your life is unique and different and the Lord uses every one in different ways. I have always had a hard time comparing myself to others and wishing I was like that girl, or that I was in that particular situation. But I have slowly, very slowly, learning that God has a plan for me and that he has customized it to my life and he has unique opportunities for me that are still coming in this life.

Fall 2013 

So today I am thankful for my disability. Yes there were and still are days that it really sucks. I fall sometimes and I have a hard time connecting with others face to face sometimes. But I am thankful that God has given me this burden to bare. Yes I say a burden because its something that I live my daily life and I have to get up every morning and I have make the choice to trust the Lord with the day and to put my life in his hands. Some days are better than others. But in the end, God is faithful and God is in control. I am so thankful for all the opportunities that I have had as a result of having a disability and most I wouldn't trade for the world.


I wouldn't be completely honest if I did not tell you that there are days I question God. I question why he allowed me to go through what I have been through. There have even been times where I have asked the Lord to heal me. There were a few times in high school, I would go to sleep at night, willing and praying that God would heal me. that I would be normal and that I would look like all of the other kids my age. But as I grew older, I realized that this disability is a gift. Something that God has given me to bare and to share with others. Please don't feel sorry for me either, I have a good and beautiful life and my life reflects the title of this blog. I really do believe that I have a beautiful life, given to me by God and to be lived out for his kingdom.

So in the words of Joni Eareckson Tada, a friend, sister in Christ, author and speaker, oh and did I mention that she has been a chronic quadriplegic for the past 40 years:

“He has chosen not to heal me, but to hold me. The more intense the pain, the closer His embrace.” 
― Joni Eareckson Tada, A Place of Healing: Wrestling with the Mysteries of Suffering, Pain, and God's Sovereignty

My Family